Prime Minister David Cameron’s decision to pull out of the proposed televised pre-election debates took an absurd swing this morning after his wife, Samantha, gave a spontaneous press conference outside 10 Downing Street.
At 9am sharp, Samantha emerged from the building and took to the podium. ‘I feel it is my duty to alert the public that, last night, your Prime Minister took the brave decision to pull out of me during intercourse.’ She then went on to describe the incident. ‘He looked me sternly in the eye, and claimed he simply couldn’t go through with it unless our love life featured all of the main seven party leaders. Without representation from the Greens, the SNP, Plaid Cymru, UKIP and the others, David felt it would be undemocratic to have sex.’
This latest development has been met with mixed reactions from opposition party leaders. Nigel Farage denounced Cameron’s actions in the bedroom as ‘cowardly’ and ‘completely contrary to British values.’
Nick Clegg suggested that ‘the sexual intercourse should go ahead anyway’ and that he was willing ‘to step up to the plate.’
In other news, Jihadi John’s latest video blog states that he joined ISIS simply to express his passion for alliteration.