Salmond doesn’t take ‘No’ for an answer.

 In an enlightening press conference this morning, Alex Salmond, Scotland’s First Minister, announced that this month’s referendum on Scottish independence would ‘undoubtedly be won by [his] separatist contingent.

He went on to explain that ‘it is clear that those who answer the question ‘Should Scotland be an independent country?’ with a resounding ‘No’, actually mean ‘Yes’!’ When pressed by reporters to elaborate on his comments, Salmond replied that ‘Psychological studies have shown that even though people may say ‘No’ to something, they often mean ‘Yes’ – for example, take the first time I slept with my wife…

In other news, compromising pictures of Great British Bake Off judge Mary Berry have appeared on the web after rumours that her iCloud account has been hacked.

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