Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced today that the coffeehouse chain ‘is going to be making some revolutionary changes’. In a live press conference on YouTube this morning, Schultz declared that the company’s Pyongyang-based Board of Directors has agreed to make two radical alterations to the corporation.
‘Firstly, we’ve decided that starting April 1st 2014 we’re going start paying corporation tax.’ The CEO claimed that this should ‘show the world that we’re all about giving back to society. Perhaps by 2024, we’ll even start paying the correct amount!’ Guatemalan coffee grinders are said to be ecstatic.
Aside from this, the founders of Starbucks have recognised a serious flaw in the types of coffee that they sell. With a grimace on his face, Schultz admitted to receiving a number of complaints from angry customers: ‘Unfortunately, a number of our clientele seem to be disappointed with the variety of coffee that we offer.’ He went on to admit that he understands why people are so disgruntled with the diversity of his company’s produce. He conceded that ‘while Starbucks offers Lattes, Cappuccinos, Mochas, Americanos, Macchiatos, Flat Whites, and Espressos; it is clear that our menu is limited.’ To solve this problem, the company aims to ‘triple the different types of coffee-based drinks that it sells’. The new menu is set to include an ‘Octuple Espresso’ and a ‘Latte with the coffee beans on the side’, with sizes varying from ‘Dwarf to ‘Fati’.
Schultz’s reforms have been met with a mixed reaction. In other news, Café Nero has gone into administration.
This is not to be taken seriously. Starbucks, there is no need to sue me. North Korea, there is no need to bomb me.